Want to Influence Others? Touch the Heart. Here’s How.

Jack Hanna is known to many Americans as “that animal guy.” Jack often used this great phrase: “You have to touch the heart to teach the mind.” This is so true for leadership. Leaders are at their best when they are having a positive influence in the lives of others. But that influence, that touching of the heart, cannot happen from a distance. Deep impact requires close connection. If you want to touch the hearts of those around you, here are 7 steps to take.

1. Spend time.

We only get to know others by spending time with them. This includes in-person time such as sharing a meal, taking a walk, target shooting, fishing, shopping, golfing (this one is never happening for me!), etc. When I was a youth pastor many years ago, my extraordinary team and I saw the lives of kids change in positive ways. And it was seldom the talks or meetings that did it. It was most often sharing a pizza, skiing at a retreat, or working on a project together that created the safe opportunity for touching the heart.

2. Ask questions.

Here is a simple exercise for the next time you are with someone. Ask them at least 2-3 questions. They can be about family, work, health, goals, hobbies, etc. Even just one question can open up a flood of connection, especially if that area of life is not feeling so good right now. I was recently in a lunch conversation with a great person that I highly respect. But I was surprised that at the end of 2 hours together, this person never asked one question about my family. I did not take that personally, but it did make me think – how often do I forget to ask questions about others?

3. Listen carefully.

One of my clients is really good at listening carefully. When talking with someone, he picks up cues and listens for things like an upcoming vacation or a special type of interest. Then he will send that person a book on that specific destination or topic. What does this communicate? He was listening. Sometimes people take a risk and vulnerably share with us, but we miss that opportunity because we may have been “there” but we really were not “all there.” I think you know what I mean.

4. Meet a need.

It’s nice to let someone know you are praying for them. But to be honest, at times people need a bit more. They need help. They need encouragement. They need a job. They need help networking. The next time you learn of a need from someone you lead, go ahead and pray for him or her. But don’t stop there. Do something if you can. In the New Testament book of Hebrews, the writer says to not neglect to do good, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God. And if you cannot meet the need, perhaps you have someone in your network who can help.

5. Be vulnerable.

Few things reach the heart of another person more than vulnerability. Vulnerability is the appropriate sharing of things such as a struggle, shortcoming, weakness, or fear. I was recently in a meeting where a friend of mine was speaking to his staff and shared a fear he was struggling with. This friend is so good at being vulnerable and doing it at the right time. While leaders need to use discretion in this area, sometimes we may be far too discreet and miss the opportunity for touching the heart and impacting the mind.

6. Affirm something.

I have a very annoying gift: I can always find something wrong, or a way someone can improve, or how something can be done better. Don’t you just love being around people like me? Not really. While some people are genuinely hungry for such input and there are times that such improvements must be addressed, people also need affirmation. Not the fake or forced kind, but the genuine affirmation that makes someone feel valued and good about themselves. Affirmation touches the heart, and it costs $0.

7. Inspire hope.

Vision is a real thing. It is not a catchy phrase for the corporate website or business card. It is genuinely letting people know “what can be” in comparison to “what is now.” I meet so many people who are beat down and depressed because they focus on the “what is now” part of their organization rather than the “what can be.” Real leaders inspire hope. Or as leadership influencers Warren Bennis and James O’Toole once said: “Real leaders, in a phrase, move the human heart.”

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Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.