The University of Pain: 5 Ways Leaders Enroll & What It Takes to Successfully Graduate

Jelly Roll has become a popular name in the country music world. His voice is stunning, and his authenticity is refreshing. His compassion for people who are broken and hurting comes from personal experience. He has “been there and done that.” Drugs. Alcohol. Jail. In other words, he has attended the University of Pain. This pain is captured in the lyrics of his song “Somebody Save Me.”

I'm a lost cause
Baby, don't waste your time on me
I'm so damaged beyond repair
Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams

Jelly Roll isn’t the only person to experience bone-crushing pain in his life. While Jelly Roll’s experiences may be more brutal than yours, many leaders have experienced their own version of challenges and difficulties, including some caused by their own decisions. Very few leaders can lead for an extended period of time without spending some time at this distinguished university, which explains why it continues to have record-breaking enrollment. Here are the top five ways people enter The University of Pain, and what it takes to successfully graduate.

1. Failed career.

Recently, one of my friends, a 63-year-old who worked his whole career as a successful IT manager, was unexpectedly laid off. He is not alone. About 20 million people each year experience the same thing. While not every layoff is a result of a failure, it can feel that way. Interestingly, Walt Disney was once fired from the Kansas City Star newspaper due to a lack of creativity! He also failed in his first cartoon business and in other endeavors. A failed career qualifies us for entry into The University of Pain.

2. Loss of someone special.

Bad things happen. Car accidents. Suicides. Heart attacks. Losing someone special to us is guaranteed acceptance into The University of Pain. 40 years ago, I was a youth pastor at a church. After a big outreach event that involved 60+ high school students, I received a call about a serious car accident. One of the parents was driving a group of students home when they were struck by a drunk driver. Multiple people were injured, and a ninth-grade girl who had recently begun attending our group was killed. That was a loss that her parents and sister will never forget. The loss of a loved one is a pain like few others.

3. Marital crisis.

If you talk with most people who have experienced a marital separation or divorce, it can be devastating. Stress. Tension. Child custody. Financial disarray. Anxiety. Sadly, many leaders have experienced marital crises. Marriage is seldom easy, but it appears to have gotten even harder for many, according to researcher Eli Finkel and his colleagues. Expectations have gone up, while at the same time, the ability to meet a spouse’s expectations has gone down. It is what they refer to as the “suffocation of marriage.” And for the friends and leaders I have watched go through this, it qualifies for an early acceptance into the University of Pain.

4. Interpersonal conflict.

Pain avoidance only works temporarily. When I was right out of high school, I worked with a guy who avoided dentists like I avoid vegetables – all because of his extreme aversion to pain. Failure to address the more serious issues in his mouth resulted in longer-term and more costly issues later. Most of us tend to avoid experiences that cause pain, and interpersonal conflict often falls into this category. A conflict with a business partner, team member, or board member can result in a truckload full of anxiety and stress. But avoiding conflict long term seldom reduces the pain. Instead, it intensifies it. Interpersonal conflict will qualify you for the freshman class at The University of Pain.

5. Health event.

If you have ever experienced an unexpected diagnosis for yourself or someone close to you like a spouse, parent, or child, you know the feeling. A fog overtakes your mind. Your anxiety levels spike. Your heart rate rapidly increases. And depression begins to seep into your spirit. A life-threatening diagnosis can accelerate you from the freshman class into the senior class at The University of Pain.

How to Make It Through the University of Pain

The University of Pain is a school that no one volunteers to attend. But it is a school we will all pass through one day. Here are four things to remember at the University of Pain:

1. You are stronger than you think, so don’t give up hope. While the university can make you feel destroyed, you can and will get back up and move forward. And you can often end up even better on the other side from where you started.

2. Find support from others; you are not as alone as you may feel. Many have attended this school before you, and they can help you get through the hard courses by providing you with encouragement and coaching.

3. Even in difficulty, you can learn a lot about yourself and how to become a better person and leader. Ask yourself: How did I get here? What am I learning? What is God teaching me? What can I do differently in the future?

4. While you may have been victimized in some cases, resist the temptation of taking on the permanent mindset of a victim. Victims can give up control of their decisions by getting stuck in a destructive mindset.

For help determining what is next in your leadership, contact us to speak with one of our experienced coaches.

Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.