What It Takes to Actually Be Liked at Work

Several years ago, I attended a public community meeting (mistake #1). Many people were already agitated, and the two main figures leading the meeting were as different as night and day. Rather than calming people by listening, respecting, and de-escalating, the one further provoked and failed to build any rapport or trust. The second leader made attempts to listen and show some empathy regarding an extra expense that those in attendance were going to have to pay. One was liked; one was not.

We see this in organizations too. Years ago, our team was working with a mid-sized organization that had a problem – a big problem. A significant number of people, including employees and customers, really didn’t like the top leader. I am not talking about a quirky boss (think Michael Scott in The Office), but rather, they saw the boss as the ruthless character Gordon Gekko played by Michael Douglas in the movie Wall Street. A leader many people found easy not to like. Being disliked as a leader, salesperson, team member, or customer service representative doesn’t always mean that you are the personification of evil (although I may have met a few such people that teeter on the line). It may just mean that you had to give hard news or difficult feedback. But it could also show that you were not very good at building rapport and winning friends.

While it is not possible (and may not even be good) to be liked by everyone, it is still vital to be a likeable person as much as is appropriate. An unlikable manager will have higher turnover. An unlikable salesperson will close fewer sales. An unlikable team member will have fewer people who want to work with them. And an unlikable customer service representative – well, we know where that ends up.

Former FBI Agent Jack Schafer, who specialized in behavior analysis, wrote “The Like Switch,” a book about influencing, attracting, and winning over people. He discusses the four primary behaviors he found essential to having people like and trust you: proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity. By increasing each of the four behaviors, you can increase the potential of friendship and connection. In contrast, when one or more of these four is decreased, the relationship will weaken. As Schafer notes:

“You can also extricate yourself from unwanted relationships by slowly decreasing each of the basic elements of the Friendship Formula. This gradual decrease will let the unwanted person down incrementally without hurting their feelings and without seeming like an abrupt break in the relationship.”

Here are my insights as to how each of these four factors may apply to common leadership environments.

1. Proximity.

Many debates emerged during and after the pandemic on the themes of remote work, remote education, and remote church. In other words, how important is it to be in proximity to others? Proximity has to do with sharing physical space with others. While the jury is still out on remote work, education, and church, there are many managers, psychologists, and employees who have expressed that it is harder to feel connected, build emotional connection, and establish trust without some regular proximity to one another.

Being in close proximity allows for better observation of facial expressions, emotional reactions, eye contact, and other non-verbal cues. Three superpowers that commonly emerge from proximity include trust, empathy, and emotional connection. Think about teachers, youth workers, coaches, or managers who influenced your life. It is highly likely that one of the characteristics you most recall is that they spent time with you. That is the power of proximity.

2. Frequency.

How often do you see or talk with your best customers? What about with your team members? If you are a nonprofit leader, how often do you connect with your board members and donors? Frequency has to do with the number of contacts you have with someone. The higher the frequency of interaction with another person, the more likely you are to be viewed as more likeable. (Except in cases where someone is extremely annoying. Then the math doesn’t work so well!)

Similar to proximity, frequency also contributes to the building of trust. So when you combine proximity with frequency, you increase the potential for being liked by the other person.

3. Duration.

Have you ever done a project that required extensive time working with one or two team members? Perhaps it even included a road trip or two to a client or conference. Spending a significant amount of time with someone provides the opportunity to form stronger bonds which can then serve as the foundation of a more trust-filled relationship.

Taylor Sheridan wrote and directed some of my favorite TV shows, such as Landman, Yellowstone, 1883, and, of course, Tulsa King. The show 1883 follows the Dutton family as they join a wagon train of a diverse group of characters all trying to reach Oregon. Such travel was perilous, and the long duration and brutal nature of this trip resulted in the formation of deep bonds and loyal friendships. That is the power of spending extensive time together, especially when combined with the final point – intensity.

4. Intensity.

I have met many young adults who played high school sports and then went to a university where they were either not good enough to play or just chose not to. One of the things I have often heard from these former athletes is how much they missed being on a sports team because a team often serves as a basis for friendship that is formed from a shared experience – some of which have an intensity to them.

When you are in proximity with someone for an extended period of time and face a challenge such as pursuing a major sale, navigating an organizational crisis, or other intense circumstances, it can serve as an accelerant to relational trust and friendship.

We must guard against the manipulative use of these four behaviors to build strong bonds (such as forming relationships only for the purpose of what you can get from the other person). But when used for altruistic purposes, social bonds can form, relationships can grow stronger, people can feel less isolated, and organizational performance can be enhanced.  

Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.

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