Gaslighting is a term that you have probably heard recently; I don’t remember hearing that 10 or 20 years ago. But the term gaslighting originates, the best we can determine, from a 1944 movie called Gaslight. And it is still available to watch today.

In this movie, Paula falls in love with and marries a charming man who deliberately and systematically drives her insane in order to carry out a scheme to find and steal hidden family jewels. His goal is to have her institutionalized so he can discover and escape with the jewels without her being in the way. At the end of the movie, the investigator helps her to realize that she has been gaslit – made to think that she is crazy.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person creates uncertainty in the mind of another. The “gaslighter” questions the veracity of the target’s recollection of certain details, and the target begins to question their own sense of reality. The uncertainty makes them passive and lose self-confidence, making the target less potent as a leader. At that point, the gaslighter now has the advantage and can become more aggressive in pursuing their desired outcomes.

Common Types of Gaslighting

Here are some of the common types of gaslighting or, rather, making a person think they are crazy.

1. The Bold-Faced Lie

Gaslighters will tell bold-faced lies. If you say it long enough and loud enough, people will begin to believe it. In fact, those who are doing the gaslighting often believe the lies that they are telling since they have told them so frequently. Or sometimes they will tell a lie just to move you off of the real subject.

2. Twisting of Reality

Gaslighters twist reality. They manipulate reality and create uncertainty by saying things like, “You can’t really believe that.” “Don’t you remember we had this conversation? “Oh, I marked it on my calendar. I think you are wrong.” “You must have seen that on the internet. You can’t believe anything on the internet.” This causes you as the target to think that the gaslighter might be right, “Maybe I did forget that.” Then you become more passive, and they become more aggressive. This is one of the end results of gaslighting.

3. Redistribution of Blame (Deflection)

Gaslighters redistribute blame. This is when they begin to blame others, look for a scapegoat, and redistribute responsibility. We sometimes call this deflection. They will say, “That is so-and-so’s fault.” Or, “I only did that because of ______.” They can mix and match the types of gaslighting, so they might lie to shift blame from themselves, or they might cast doubt on other people or even you as one of the causes for their actions. They are doing this to minimize their responsibility.

4. Giving Ultimatums (Power-Up)

Gaslighters give ultimatums. They will say things like, “If you keep doing that, I’m going to quit!” “If you say that again, I am going to fire you.” “I’m leaving this relationship.” They are exacting a price on you if you don’t buy into their line of logic, their lie, their manipulation, or their scapegoating.

5. The “Sweet” Stab

Gaslighters give “sweet” stabs. This is when something sounds nice, but it actually has the intent of manipulating and making you doubt yourself. Some examples include, “No one is going to believe you unless you have a degree.” Or, “We can’t believe someone like that could have this kind of influence. So why would you trust them?”

Take Back Control

You can see how all of these types of gaslighting will make you feel like you are not quite up to par, like you are not able to be assertive because you doubt yourself. Here are five ways to take back control.

1. Test the assumptions of Gaslighting.

First, test assumptions. Once you are aware that gaslighting is taking place, it is easy to assume everyone is trying to gaslight you when that usually isn’t true. But gaslighters are often very intentional, and they are manipulating the situation. When you start to see it, don’t overreact. Just have in your mind, “Am I being gaslit? Is someone trying to make me doubt myself? Are they questioning the veracity of the facts?” If someone is gaslighting you, take notes. Make a record of what you actually said. And when you know someone is gaslighting you and that assumption has been proven true, always have another person in those conversations so that the facts can be confirmed by someone other than your own memory.

2. Do NOT return the favor by replicating.

It is very tempting to fight fire with fire. But don’t practice what you despise. Don’t do to others what they have done to you.

3. Ask “Why” and “What if.”

Asking questions like “Why” and “What if” is a third way to take back control. When someone strongly asserts that something is true or they are questioning your memory, you can ask, “Why do you think that?” or “What do you have that shows that was the nature of the conversation?” With some people, it is good to write summary notes after a conversation/meeting and send them out. If someone is saying, “This is what you did,” or, “This is why you should do this,” you can ask, “What if what I am saying is true and what you are asserting is inaccurate?” Or, “Let’s assume that I did say what you said. Let’s assume that you are correct. What if I want to change my mind? What if I want to go back and revisit that in the calendar or notes again?” Don’t rush into the conversation. Just ask questions.

4. Take time to fact-check before agreeing.

If people are trying to manipulate or gaslight you into thinking you are off, actually go back and test some of the data. Just because someone says something doesn’t mean it is true. Go back, do your research, and call a time out. Tell them you want to make sure that a fact is true because once a gaslighter has put it into the conversation and the fact is established or assumed to be true, they can control the conversation. I encourage you to say, “Let’s take a minute. I want to do a little research. I think the facts actually speak differently than that.” Don’t be fooled by the pressure of time.

5. Build a culture/relationship that is averse to gaslighting.

Simply build a culture in your organization or circle of friendships that is averse to gaslighting. When you see it, call it out. You don’t have to blast them, but just say, “No, I am not going there. I’m not crazy about this. This is not the way I want this conversation to go.” And pretty soon, it becomes normal that gaslighting is despised. So, create a culture that makes it averse.

In the movie Gaslight, Paula is made to feel crazy and is ultimately institutionalized. Eventually, the insurance investigator comes and sees the lights dimming and hears the footsteps in the attic. Paula thought she was crazy. Her husband told her it was not happening. But the investigator realizes the husband was setting up all of those things to gaslight his wife in order to steal the family treasure.

When someone is gaslighting you, they want something from you. They want to manipulate you to their agenda. So, don’t be a gaslighter, and don’t be gaslit!

Dave Marks is a Senior Consultant at The Center Consulting Group and has over 35 years of church ministry experience including 23 years as a senior pastor. His consulting experience includes ministry assessment, leadership coaching, and strategic planning. Dave’s degrees include a B.S. in Bible, an M.S. in Organizational Leadership and a D.Min. in Leadership.