5 Ways to Make a Narcissist Out of Any Leader

Throughout your career, you will end up working with a wide variety of people. Encouragers. Experts. Lazy people. Psychopaths. Visionaries. The entitled. Super producers. Inspirers. Anxious leaders. Risk takers. And of course, narcissists. Most often, we work with people who are a combination of these and many other traits. After all, we are all a bit broken somewhere in our thinking and behavior, right?

But one of the most common negative traits that we hear mentioned when conducting organizational assessments is about a manager or leader who is narcissistic. You know them by their exaggerated sense of self-importance and arrogance topped off with an attitude of entitlement and a desire for power. We can be good at spotting them, but not so good at asking, “How did they get that way?” And even more importantly, “Did I help to make them that way?”

While we all have a sin nature that serves as fertile ground for making us act like jerks, there are things we do that can take a mild-mannered narcissist and turn them into a very unhealthy leader. Here are five of the ways we can make a narcissist out of any leader.

1. Give them everything they ask for.

I worked in retail when I was younger. On a few occasions, a customer would act like a 4-year-old throwing a temper tantrum because they were not satisfied. Each time, the owner ended up giving them what they wanted because he did not want conflict. And this taught the customer that if they complained loudly, they would always get what they wanted, even when it wasn’t reasonable. When a mild-mannered narcissist is seldom told, “No,” and is continually given whatever they ask for, people around the narcissist are reinforcing the faulty belief they already hold about themselves – that they are “special” and the world really does revolve around them.

2. Don’t critique them – just affirm them.  

A leader who has earned a proverbial Ph.D. in narcissism did so with a lot of help, especially from those who seldom, if ever, provided honest feedback or critique. Why was critique withheld? Sometimes, it was because the narcissist had an inspiring side that made some people blind to their flaws. But more commonly, it was because narcissists do not respond well to such feedback, and the road is littered with the remains of people who have tried to do so in the past. After all, most narcissists are fragile and easily angered, and most people are not stupid enough or courageous enough to stand in line to get verbally punched in the face… again.

3. Treat them like you cannot live without them.

One of the common things in case after case of well-known narcissists removed from their thrones is how they were often treated as indispensable. There are dozens of examples over the past 10 years of this happening with high-profile leaders from business, church, sports, music, and Hollywood. After the person was removed, the stories came out of the horrific behaviors that were not only tolerated but actually endorsed by those who believed the organization could not survive without the leader, even if they were a narcissist. In one case, the substance and sexual abuse committed by the lead singer of a popular Christian band was tolerated for years – most likely because of the fear of losing the revenue that comes from a charismatic-narcissistic leader. But treating someone as though they are irreplaceable can have devastating consequences.

4. Give them A LOT of perks, power, money, and access to others.

Narcissists are naturally gifted at using others for their own benefit. If you have something that a narcissistic leader can benefit from, you will have a new best friend, at least for a while. Own a beach house? Have tickets to a major sports team? Possess a lot of financial wealth? Know people who sit in higher-level positions of power? A narcissistic leader can sniff you out like a hound dog on the scent of a raccoon. And they will shower you with attention until they no longer need you. Access to excessive perks can further embed the narcissism in the leader, potentially leading to their own downfall, the organization's destruction, or both.

5. Make sure to talk about them, not you.

A narcissistic leader isn’t generally interested in hearing about your life, your needs, or your problems. After all, the more time you devote to talking about yourself, the less time you have to talk about them. I know someone who once invited a coworker with these traits to a special gathering for a family member. The coworker not only didn’t come, but she also never acknowledged the invitation or asked how the party went. Why? Because there was no gain in it for her. So, when you are in a meeting with such a leader, make sure to talk about them and don’t expect to be asked much about you. Because that’s one of the ways to create a narcissist.

We do not live in a perfect world. We all can bring joy and gifts to those around us. But we can also bring hurt. You may not always have a choice in who you work with or for, but if there is a narcissist in the group, be aware of what you will experience, manage your expectations, and protect yourself from some of their worst tendencies by seeking confidential advice on how to work in such an environment and whether you should stay or move on.

Contact us to learn more about how our experienced coaches can help you as you work with or for a difficult leader.

Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.