When to Speak Less & When to Speak Up
Silence! Be quiet. Shush. Stop talking. And of course, shut up! We sure do like to talk a lot – hence all the phrases we have invented to make someone stop talking.
Researchers at the University of Arizona found how often adults between the ages of 25 and 64 talk: men average about 18,570 words a day, women about 21,845 words (I don’t create the numbers; I just report them!). I have had countless after-action reviews with myself where I thought, “Why didn’t you just stay quiet?!” or “Note to self: JUST SHUT UP!” I doubt I am alone regarding such reflections.
Some of us talk a lot. Leaders especially. And the more words we say, the greater the likelihood of saying the wrong thing, being misunderstood, or missing what others have to share because we are dominating the time. No wonder Proverbs in the Bible says that a babbling fool will come to ruin! Too many of us are professional babblers.
Here are five times when it is better to speak less and a few times when you should speak up.
When to Speak Less
1. When you are angry.
Think about a time when you said something that you regretted; there is a good chance it was said when you were angry. Perhaps you felt threatened or embarrassed by someone, and you lashed out without using the filters you normally have in place. You have likely heard the phrase, “Hurt people hurt people” and get hurt (my addition). This was illustrated recently in the news when a neighbor of actor Alan Ritchson (from the TV show Reacher) aggressively confronted him. The problem is that Alan is 6’3” and about 240 pounds of 99% muscle! It didn’t end well for his angry neighbor. So, when you find yourself getting angry, resist every temptation to open your mouth. Speak less, or even better, don’t speak at all.
2. When you need to learn from others.
One thing leaders often do is seek to prove they are the smartest person at the table. After all, leaders usually acquire their positions due to experiencing some level of success. This success, in addition to years of experience, specialized training, or education, can contribute to leaders feeling like they are the only smart one in the room. But the more we talk, the less we learn. To learn from the group, we need to be silent and allow others the freedom to express their ideas without us dominating the discussion.
3. When you have nothing new to offer at that moment.
Have you ever observed a group discussion where individuals keep talking even though they are offering nothing new or unique to the topic at hand? During these types of meetings, I often think, “Why is that person talking when nothing new is being added? How do they not see it?!” And I am sure someone has thought the same thing about me! It is good to ask ourselves, “Is what I am about to say going to advance this discussion and the purpose of the meeting?” If the answer is no, then silence!
4. When you are the newest person at the table.
Some newly hired or promoted leaders try to flex their authority muscle a bit too quickly, even though they may know very little about the organization, culture, or department. They dominate. They command. And sometimes, they can act like arrogant jerks before they know what they are doing. This is why most leadership coaches and writers advise newly appointed leaders to spend more time listening than talking or prescribing, especially in the first 30-45 days. A new leader will gain credibility, wisdom, and respect by practicing the discipline of being quick to listen and slow to speak.
5. When you want good feedback.
Sam Walton co-founded Walmart, a company that grew to be one of the largest in the world. Usually, the larger an organization grows, the farther removed the leadership becomes from both customers and employees. Sam realized this and knew the importance of learning from those on the front lines of his stores. He said, “The key to success is to get out into the store and listen to what the associates have to say. It’s terribly important for everyone to get involved. Our best ideas come from clerks and stockboys.” The key word here is “listen.” Quite often, leaders and managers give mandates or solutions to employees who may know far more about the issue at hand because they are the ones who deal with it. To get valuable feedback, listen to the ones with firsthand experience.
When to Speak Up
It is common for leaders and certain team members to overtalk. But there are others who do the opposite – they are too slow to speak up in a meeting. This may be due to social anxiety, a culture of fear, or just not feeling like they are smart enough to add value. But this can lead to problems, including the group not hearing their valuable thoughts or even failing to speak up about a serious concern, resulting in a moral or legal crisis for the organization. Here are four times when you seriously need to speak up more.
1. When you can prevent a problem from taking root.
If you speak up about a problem early, you can keep it from becoming a more serious crisis later on. This is especially true when you see questionable behaviors or unethical actions taking place.
2. When you have a new idea or solution to a problem.
While you may not be in the highest position on the organizational chart, you may have solutions to problems that no one else has thought about, which can help the company as well as the customer. Share those ideas!
3. When someone is being mistreated or abused.
It takes moral courage to defend those who lack power from those who have power and abuse it by mistreating others. When you see harmful behavior, it’s time to move past fear and insecurity and take a step of courage to call it out.
4. When you don’t want your silence to be misunderstood as agreement or as having no opinion on the matter.
I have seen far too many managers, employees, and even owners not speak up in a meeting but then speak up to others AFTER the meeting. If you have something to say, say it in the meeting, or you may be sending the wrong message. Others may assume that you agree or are neutral.
If you want help building this kind of self-awareness into your leadership, we would love to talk about what that could look like for you and your team. Contact us to learn more.
Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
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